So, for those who do not know, I am one of the transes. I have dealt with transphobia from several people in my life. One thing people need to understand is that transphobia is not always someone screaming in your face or saying they hate trans people. It is often quieter. It is the belief that trans people are beneath you or inferior to cis people. Most cis people believe this to some degree. They might not be hateful, but they still see us as not fully our gender. This comes from a cis oriented mindset that assumes sex is innate at birth and fixed forever. That belief frames cis people as the real men and real women, and trans people as some third category or pale imitation.

You are not a bad person if you believe some of these things. But if you refuse to think about it after learning how harmful it is, then it becomes transphobic. It exists on a scale. You might not be a hard, active hater of all trans people, but if you continue to look down on us as not fully our gender, then yes, that is still transphobic. I am not saying this to shame you. I am saying it so you can reflect on the way you see us.

As a trans person, I have to navigate a gendered system that always assumes cisness. Dating, medical care, government IDs, and public spaces all start from a cis default. The belief that gender is innate at birth is baked into all of these systems. Most cis people do not notice this because they do not have to think about it. Many of you are great friends and allies, and I am grateful for that. In these times of being targeted and harassed by healthcare systems, government institutions, and mass media, your support matters more than you know. The world lies about us constantly, so much that even well-meaning cis people believe some of it. For those who support us, know that you are loved and welcomed.

I joined a Discord server for online dating. Since I am a shut-in nerd, this is the best I can do lol. After verification they changed my tag from female to trans female. That on its own is not unreasonable, and honestly I would probably set up a similar system. But the problem was that I could not post in the female-seeking channel anymore. I had to post in the tnbgf-seeking (Trans, Non-Binary, Gender Fluid) channel, which was much smaller.

This is not the worst thing I have dealt with. The passport situation under the Trump administration hurt me more. I can be harassed at the border because of gender marker rules he put in place. But this Discord thing still hurts because it creates a layer of separation from cis women. They still labeled me as female, which is correct. But I do not want to be segregated from normal women because I am a normal woman. A woman by every modern scientific definition of gender. Their label was not offensive. It was accurate. But the effect is that I am still being pushed out of female spaces, even though I belong there. This comes from the same cis oriented belief that gender is innate at birth and that trans women exist outside real womanhood. This is what casual transphobia looks like. It is not loud hatred. It is separation. It is othering.

You can ignore science if you want. No one can stop you from being a dumbass. But my gender identity is not a vague feeling or a name I call myself. It is a physiological part of my brain. It is not optional. I have been on HRT for years, and my body is not a man’s body. I have most secondary sex characteristics of a woman. If you paid attention in biology class, you would know those are part of sex, not just primary sex characteristics.

I do not know if this discord server would change my labeling to that of just a female if I had both the secondary and primary sex characteristics of a female. That is what I mean by casual transphobia. It is the labeling of us as other or as not really female, even when scientifically we are more female than male. These abstract categories come from a cis dominant society that positions us as the other and from the belief that sex is innate at birth and immutable. In dating, that is where this mindset becomes especially toxic and depressing. Even if I had surgery and had primary sex characteristics of a woman, the Trump administration would still label me as male, and this Discord server might still keep me separate. The problem is that these labels do not reflect biological reality. They reflect outdated social assumptions built around cisness.

Modern dating is difficult and dating apps make it worse. But for trans people it is especially harsh. Many people have a hierarchy in their heads, and in that hierarchy cis people are always more desirable. They want the cis version of the gender they are attracted to. Trans people are seen as off brand versions of the real thing. This again comes from the belief that gender must be innate at birth and that anyone outside that is defective or lesser.

Having boundaries about genitals is fine. That is not the issue. The issue is when someone who is open to dating trans people still sees us as less valuable or less legitimate. That is transphobia. Trans women are just as much women as cis women. Trans men are just as much men as cis men. From what I understand, trans men often deal with patronizing attitudes, but trans women face a level of devaluation that is harsher. Beauty standards for women are brutal and we get hit with them hard. I developed the same beauty anxiety that cis women talk about because I live in the same system they do.

They do not deny that I am female in theory, but by separating me from female spaces they treat me as something other than what I am. It is not as aggressive as the Trump administration calling me male, but it is still othering. It is the same cis oriented mindset dressed up in politeness. And I am not an other. I am a woman. I am female. I live in a female body, I have a female mind, and I exist in a female social context. That is my reality.

They cannot take that away from me. I am a woman, and that is a fact. Facts do not care about your feelings.